Diminishing pain?

After so many months, one would expect the pain to diminish.
After so many days, one would expect to find another.
And yet, all I can say is - these expectations were not fulfilled.

I have not blogged for long because friends have spoke to me. Told me to stop blogging, in order to forget her.So I did. I stopped. For 3 whole months. I struggled through my A Levels with immense difficulty.
Yet the ironic thing was, my greatest struggle was forgetting her.


We parted on Graduation Day on the 11th of June.
However, fate brought us back together again on IS Nite as I thought I would not be able to make it. IS Nite, or Prom Nite. Where she, Frances, was crowned Prom Queen.
The sight of her, looking more beautiful than ever, was enough to make my heart stop.
For eternity. But she was not alone. She was escorted by him. Her date for the night.
Nevertheless.
Just that glimpse of her was enough to make me forget the pain I had to suffer, in order to make it there.

I was denied this pleasure for so many days. So many weeks.
We kept in touch. Yes. But I could not see her. I did not see her.
Not until yesterday. At school, to collect our results.
To many, if was the day of doom. To me, it was a heavenly delight.
It was true, she was with him again. But to see her smile again was as if I myself had scored 3A's. My results were far from good and nothing up to par. But to see her again, happy over her top results AAB , made me willing to look life in the face again.

Nothing else matters with her around.

Infatuation?

Can it be possible to still think of her, amidst the preparation for exams?
To think of her almost every minute.
Study leave is coming up. And my heart is filled with dread.
Not being able to see her everyday and anticipate her smile.

My friends keep telling me its infatuation.
But is infatuation,
Feeling your heart skip a beat everytime she's around?
To stop breathing everytime she smiles at you?
To feel your heart crumble to pieces when she ignores you?
To go out of the way, just to walk pass her, in hope that she might notice?
To want to end this life, knowing she will never return the love?

You tell me. Is this infatuation?

Do you feel the Passion?

I've tried so hard.

For days, weeks, months to forget her.

I can't. Its hopeless.
The only way I can ever forget her is to jump into a black hole and never return again.
First night of Passion Concert, she was there. It was a night of pain as I sat there, hoping she would at least, notice me and say hi. She didn't. I could barely concentrate. There she was, standing by the door the whole night. Looking beautiful. Absolutely gorgeous in her simple black top and jeans. Her black top was cut slightly low though, and that just complimented her even more.
HE was there too. It's almost unbearable to look at them both together. It's bad enough in school.

Decided to skip the 2nd night of Passion. Couldn't take it anymore.
Ending my life would be less painful than living it now.

You Alone

This message is to my one and only girl, Frances Lyn:
Since i know she's reading this right now.

"I never had the courage to go up to you and tell you my true feelings. And I regret that tremendously. But it is my belief that if two people are meant to be, they will. Although the pain is immense, I will never reveal my identity to you for two main reasons. Firstly, because it might spoil our friendship right now. Secondly, because I know you're happy with him. If time was in the form of a person, he would stop for me, everytime I saw you. You are the centre of my world. I will continue blogging about YOU, because no matter what. I still love you. You alone.
Let people say what they want. Nothing will change."

A Dead Dream

Sports Day.

I saw her - Frances Lyn. Thoughts I thought I could never think of, came to my mind and played a game. Even though I sat from afar, I could see her so clearly. Even as clearly as I do in my dreams. She looked incredibly hot today. Her energetic vibe made her stand out from the rest. And I wanted so badly, to just be with her that moment. To be able to understand her thoughts and dreams. And maybe, even to stand there and scream incessantly along with her. I'm dreaming something that will never come true.

I'm dreaming a dead dream.

Long Weekend..

This is the longest weekend ever. I can barely concentrate on studying for the next test. My only consolation was that Frances, my beautiful angel, uploaded new photos onto her Friendster account. My agony was once again, diminished by looking at her photos, like I do every night.

Last night, I took the car at midnight and started driving around in circles. I needed something to distract me from my pain. I drove firstly around my own neighbourhood. Then I drove to hers. Round and round I went, until I saw the last light flicker off in her house. It gave me a sense of serenity to know my darling was safe and sound.

My A Levels are coming up.
I can't keep doing this.....
What am I going to do??

A Whirlwind

Life is a whirlwind. It is a hurricane of emotions and decisions.
My friends are telling me to forget about her. That she's taken. She's not mine.
I don't know if I can do that. I talked to her today. Just a little before first period class started.
After that, I don't think I would ever have the strength to forget about her, no matter what my friends say.
Frances Lyn is the air I breathe.
Today was uneventful except for a small test. It didn't hurt that I couldn't do it properly. It hurt when I saw them BOTH again. Coming out of the same DAMN Student Council room.

It must be a crime for those two people to look so perfect together.
To look as if they belong together forever.
There must be some way to put an end to their happiness and a start to MINE.
Life sucks.