My Dream Girl - Frances Lyn

Diminishing pain?

2005-08-09T00:19:00.000-07:00

After so many months, one would expect the pain to diminish.
After so many days, one would expect to find another.
And yet, all I can say is - these expectations were not fulfilled.

I have not blogged for long because friends have spoke to me. Told me to stop blogging, in order to forget her.So I did. I stopped. For 3 whole months. I struggled through my A Levels with immense difficulty.
Yet the ironic thing was, my greatest struggle was forgetting her.

We parted on Graduation Day on the 11th of June.
However, fate brought us back together again on IS Nite as I thought I would not be able to make it. IS Nite, or Prom Nite. Where she, Frances, was crowned Prom Queen.
The sight of her, looking more beautiful than ever, was enough to make my heart stop.
For eternity. But she was not alone. She was escorted by him. Her date for the night.
Nevertheless.
Just that glimpse of her was enough to make me forget the pain I had to suffer, in order to make it there.

I was denied this pleasure for so many days. So many weeks.
We kept in touch. Yes. But I could not see her. I did not see her.
Not until yesterday. At school, to collect our results.
To many, if was the day of doom. To me, it was a heavenly delight.
It was true, she was with him again. But to see her smile again was as if I myself had scored 3A's. My results were far from good and nothing up to par. But to see her again, happy over her top results AAB , made me willing to look life in the face again.

Nothing else matters with her around.

Infatuation?

2005-04-24T06:25:00.000-07:00

Can it be possible to still think of her, amidst the preparation for exams?
To think of her almost every minute.
Study leave is coming up. And my heart is filled with dread.
Not being able to see her everyday and anticipate her smile.

My friends keep telling me its infatuation.
But is infatuation,
Feeling your heart skip a beat everytime she's around?
To stop breathing everytime she smiles at you?
To feel your heart crumble to pieces when she ignores you?
To go out of the way, just to walk pass her, in hope that she might notice?
To want to end this life, knowing she will never return the love?

You tell me. Is this infatuation?

Do you feel the Passion?

2005-03-22T02:25:00.000-08:00

I've tried so hard.

For days, weeks, months to forget her.

I can't. Its hopeless.
The only way I can ever forget her is to jump into a black hole and never return again.
First night of Passion Concert, she was there. It was a night of pain as I sat there, hoping she would at least, notice me and say hi. She didn't. I could barely concentrate. There she was, standing by the door the whole night. Looking beautiful. Absolutely gorgeous in her simple black top and jeans. Her black top was cut slightly low though, and that just complimented her even more.
HE was there too. It's almost unbearable to look at them both together. It's bad enough in school.

Decided to skip the 2nd night of Passion. Couldn't take it anymore.
Ending my life would be less painful than living it now.

You Alone

2005-03-02T02:33:00.000-08:00

This message is to my one and only girl, Frances Lyn:
Since i know she's reading this right now.

"I never had the courage to go up to you and tell you my true feelings. And I regret that tremendously. But it is my belief that if two people are meant to be, they will. Although the pain is immense, I will never reveal my identity to you for two main reasons. Firstly, because it might spoil our friendship right now. Secondly, because I know you're happy with him. If time was in the form of a person, he would stop for me, everytime I saw you. You are the centre of my world. I will continue blogging about YOU, because no matter what. I still love you. You alone.
Let people say what they want. Nothing will change."

A Dead Dream

2005-02-24T17:06:00.000-08:00

Sports Day.

I saw her - Frances Lyn. Thoughts I thought I could never think of, came to my mind and played a game. Even though I sat from afar, I could see her so clearly. Even as clearly as I do in my dreams. She looked incredibly hot today. Her energetic vibe made her stand out from the rest. And I wanted so badly, to just be with her that moment. To be able to understand her thoughts and dreams. And maybe, even to stand there and scream incessantly along with her. I'm dreaming something that will never come true.

I'm dreaming a dead dream.

Long Weekend..

2005-02-20T14:52:00.000-08:00

This is the longest weekend ever. I can barely concentrate on studying for the next test. My only consolation was that Frances, my beautiful angel, uploaded new photos onto her Friendster account. My agony was once again, diminished by looking at her photos, like I do every night.

Last night, I took the car at midnight and started driving around in circles. I needed something to distract me from my pain. I drove firstly around my own neighbourhood. Then I drove to hers. Round and round I went, until I saw the last light flicker off in her house. It gave me a sense of serenity to know my darling was safe and sound.

My A Levels are coming up.
I can't keep doing this.....
What am I going to do??

A Whirlwind

2005-02-16T18:00:00.000-08:00

Life is a whirlwind. It is a hurricane of emotions and decisions.
My friends are telling me to forget about her. That she's taken. She's not mine.
I don't know if I can do that. I talked to her today. Just a little before first period class started.
After that, I don't think I would ever have the strength to forget about her, no matter what my friends say.
Frances Lyn is the air I breathe.
Today was uneventful except for a small test. It didn't hurt that I couldn't do it properly. It hurt when I saw them BOTH again. Coming out of the same DAMN Student Council room.

It must be a crime for those two people to look so perfect together.
To look as if they belong together forever.
There must be some way to put an end to their happiness and a start to MINE.
Life sucks.

Over-Rated

2005-02-14T14:39:00.000-08:00

The only word that defines Valentines Day is the word OVER-RATED.
But I still wish a Happy Valentines Day to all. Its amazing how couples are willing to spend so much money on each other, during this particular season. I'd willingly give my all for her to notice me. To be able to go beyond a basic 'Hi' to an 'I love you'. I thought about it all night, and decided not to make any move today. I wanted so much to able to shower her with gifts and flowers and everything I could possibly think of, but I dare not. My heart yearned to cry out to her and say those three words, but I couldn't bring myself to.

Arrived at school reasonably early today, in the hope that Frances might be there early. When I arrived there, she was already there, with her group of friends. I could only sit down at another table and watch from afar. Her red hair-tie was a change from her usual pink ones. Her school shoes were just washed clean. I reached a point where I could barely stand it anymore. I walked to the canteen by myself. To distract myself from her. When I finally returned, barely minutes from the first lecture starting, my heart stopped. I felt my world crumble again, as it had done so many times before. BOTH of them, walked out of the Student Council Room together. And that was ONLY the start of the day. Of my pain. Of my torture. Of my torment.

The rest of the day was just a blur. Barely saw Frances the whole day. I wanted to concentrate so badly in class, but I could not. She was constantly on my mind and I kept thinking "What if.." What if I had done things differently and approached her? Different situations continuously played around in my mind. My one and only consolation today was the fact that she smiled at me. The only reason why I'm still alive and breathing. My life is still a living hell. When will this all end and turn around a 180 degrees?

Its Gonna Be Love

2005-02-12T05:36:00.000-08:00

Its 5:32am right now. Here I am, sitting and staring into this computer screen with nothing better to do. I had a dream about HER. A dream I never wanted to wake up from. Me & Frances were at school together, had lunch together and went out together. But it was all a dream. I woke up, filled once again, with the same desperation. Who the heck said dreams do come true? That's just crap. I can't take it anymore. I need to see her again. Why is Monday taking so long to come?

This song is from her blog. Its been on my mind lately.

"It's Gonna Be Love" - Mandy Moore

It's gonna be me baby
It's gonna be you baby

Time, I've been patient for so long
How can I pretend to be so strong?
Looking at you baby
Feeling it too baby
If I’m asking you to hold me tight
then it’s gonna be all right

[Chorus]
It’s gonna be Love
It’s gonna be great
It’s gonna be more then I can take
It’s gonna be free
It’s gonna be real
It’s gonna change everything I feel
It’s gonna be sad
It’s gonna be true
It’s gonna be me baby
It’s gonna be you baby
It’s gonna be...Its gonna be Love

Time, am I restless or a fool?
How can you pretend to be so cruel?
Maybe it’s me baby
Maybe it's true baby
Maybe it's everything were dreaming of
We waited long enough

[Chorus]
Its gonna be Love
It’s gonna be great
It’s gonna be more then I can take
It’s gonna be free
It’s gonna be real
It’s gonna change everything I feel
It’s gonna be sad
It’s gonna be true
It’s gonna be your the one to do
It’s gonna be me baby
It’s gonna be you baby

The sooner you let two hearts beat together
The sooner you know this love is forever
It’s gonna be love
Love needs time now or never
You really got to believe
it’s gonna be strong enough

[Chorus]

*************************

Should I or not?

2005-02-11T21:54:00.000-08:00

Should I or not? Send flowers to my dear girl, Frances on Valentines Day? Without signing my name, that is, and without revealing my identity. It may be pathetic that I am still not over her, despite the fact that I will never have her. But my heart constantly tells me to hold on. What's a few hundred dollars, if only I could win her heart? I've been debating about the flowers for a long time and I still haven't reached a conclusion. Valentines Day is just around the corner. Dare I send something to her? Or maybe not.

Damn. As much as I like her boyfriend, I can't help but feel extremely jealous at this point in time. I stress on the fact again and again that GOD is NOT fair.

Its unfair that he is so much more talented than I am, smarter than I am, and more good-looking than I am. Its no wonder Frances fell for him. But I've waited for so long - for about a year, to be precise. I know he only started liking her mid-year or so. And I waited so much longer. It just isn't fair.

I read her Friendster profile everyday. BOTH profiles.
1) http://www.friendster.com/user.php?uid=6376160
2) http://www.friendster.com/user.php?uid=11570247

Stare at her photos everyday. Is that called obsession? No. Its called love.
Read the testimonials her boyfriend wrote for her. I tried to feel happy for the both of them. Its not working. If she weren't so freaking sweet everytime I saw her, I wouldn't be struggling right now. Its just that everytime I'm SO close to forgetting her, she just HAS say 'Hi' and smile her incredibly cute smile. Shit.

Chinese New Year

2005-02-09T10:28:00.000-08:00

A Happy Chinese New Year to everyone. If it were not for the fact that during Chinese New Year, we receive 'ang pows', I doubt I would enjoy this festive occasion at all. So far, I have managed to obtain a few hundred dollars already. But what use is money, when I can't spend it on her? School is re-opening on Monday and although it is in 5 days time, I am desperately counting the hours til I can next see her face. But.
Monday = Valentines Day
Can I survive? I meant to tell her this year during Valentines Day about my feelings for her. Change of plans. I will just have to watch from afar. I pray I have the strength to do so. She is always so happy around him. It just hurts.

Depression

2005-02-08T07:34:00.000-08:00

Its been officially a MONTH they've been together and still it hurts so bad. The pain is immense. The hurt incredible. But life goes on. And the least I can do is to post my feelings continually on this blog. Its the only way to release my true feelings for her, without anyone knowing who I am.
Frances Lyn is the only reason that I live. That I breathe the air I do each day. Her smile each day at school is enough to light me up for the rest of the year. I live each day for her and for the hope that she may one day, love me back. I've waited so long, but I have yet to tell her my feelings.

^^^^^
This is my story so far. The reason for my depression -

When school started, my heart beat even faster when she approached me to say 'Hi' and ask what I did during the holidays. My heart skipped a beat when she laughed and showed her small dimple on her right cheek. She had without a doubt grown prettier over the holidays. I was happy, finally seeing her after the holidays. My hands could hardly keep from shaking everytime I glanced at her. I wished I had volunteered to be a baby-sitter, so maybe I could help her out and take care of S1C. The first week of school was heaven. Frances could be found everywhere, making friends with the Year Ones. Her ability to make friends only made me love her even more. My happiness was short-lived, however. Over the course of the first week, I found out some devastating news that changed my life.

Frances had a boyfriend. It wasn't just anybody. It was one of Institute Sinaran's most eligible 'bachelors'. My heart was crushed when I found out. I always knew she was close to him, but I had never thought it would be to that extent. My heart was full of regret for not telling her how i felt about her, although I've known her for about a year. However, I'm happy for her though. As long as my love is happy, I am...
The next few weeks were a living hell for me. I saw her, I saw him. I saw them both, EVERYWHERE. As much as I'd like to hate the guy, I can't. He deserves her. He's a really good guy and I know they're happy. STILL..Everytime I see her with him, my heart falls. There's this tiny bit of hope within me telling me I still have a chance and that I can break them up.

We're still friends though. Me & Frances. Only because she has no idea of the thoughts that are running furiously through my head at this point in time. I have this photo of her, which I managed to obtain thru Friendster. Everyday, before I sleep, I will glance at it and fall asleep with images of her deep, brown eyes in my head. That is all I need to survive. Just being able to look at her beautiful brown eyes and sweet smile. For the time being at least.

^^^^^

So, yes. You now realize how much Frances means to me. I love her. But I can't get her. She's out of my league and she's taken. My feelings for her subsided over the past few weeks. But today, when I saw her in Centre Point, my heart stopped. My mouth went dry. I couldn't even bring myself to say 'Hi' to her. She barely noticed me. She was busy having fun with her friends and laughing. I couldn't help it. The feelings rushed back like a huge tsunami.

How can I not feel depressed? How can I want something I can never have?